There’s been times when your soul is feeling so lost, so far away and tired of all that is around, but yet, somehow, there appears another soul that comes close, hugs lost soul, so that there is a way of going from there on…
Evening is outside, dark and strange time. You still hear cars honking and people at times happily yelling something, then you hear wind. I think that listening to wind is amazing. You don’t have to think of the meanings of what it says, it has no words, it breathes through you and you just let wind take you. It doesn’t matter where. You just open yourself up to it.
Yes, I am a college student, dreamer as they say. Not very bothered by the opinions of others, as I create my world in which I exist. My life ha not much of a meaning, therefore I exist. My name is Erik Sparrow, 22 years old, student of literature in some god forgotten college in London.
As for right now – I’m sitting here, smoking at my window, listening to soft piano music. Piano music is smooth and calming, yet it lets you look inside of yourself, to figure things out and make it different, if it requires such action. Assuming I have problems, rather to lie to myself and convince oneself that everything is great. Why? The reason is that every time you let your brain think of the problems that exist in your life, you end up being swallowed in them, instead of actually dealing with it, or leaving it.
Just as I have a toke, I hear door opening to my room. I turn to see who bothers my perfect evening and find that its just my roommate Annie. Somehow I find this person also at times distant from reality, just like me. There had been many girls in my life, but this one is not bothering me with her presence, like most of others. Most likely that’s one of the reasons I’m still single – I don’t like too pushy girls, that want to be noticed all the time. They are attention needing bitches and I stick to what I say. I mean it.
As Annie goes to her bed and takes her laptop, she looks at me.
– Erik, you seem far away from here. What’s on your mind?
Just how she sees this side of me? I’m still impressed by this skill of hers. I breathe out a cloud of cigarette smoke and look at her.
– You’re still thinking of that day? – she asks.
In reply I just nod.
That day… Yes, I do still recall that day in my mind. The day I went to see my friend Adrian and he ended up calling me up after two and something hours saying he’s leaving to somewhere, not willing to even share where. There goes the best friend of mine, or someone I called my best friend. Since then he never contacted me, all my attempt to contact him were useless as he just deleted himself from everywhere online and even changed his number. Still can’t believe the promise we made long time ago. “We’ll be together forever. I’ll always be there for you!” – he said to me years ago. Exactly, years ago. And since then – it went somehow to another path from the one I thought I’ll take. I changed because of that. I was s much more happy and talkative, now… These days I am an introverted bastard who pus his needs as first priority business and is not giving a flying demn about all the rest. Taking any means to get where I want, I use people, lie and yes, I am now quite a hypocritical, cynical narcissist, although somehow I got swayed towards trusting one person – Annie. She ain’t saint, and surely is quite a narcissist herself, but she is sincere in her friendship towards me, and when she lies to others, she somehow tells me truth and I do the same. In few means we’re even partners in “crime”.
– Annie? – I turn to window to look outside.
She gets up and comes over to me, hugs me.
– Yes dear?
– Annie, I am miserable idiot, aren’t I?
She takes a deep breath, then puts her chin on my shoulder. I didn’t like when people touch me or yet worse – hug me, but I accustomed to her hugs. Hugs she gives are soft and warm, they make me feel as if I have support somehow.
– Erik, you are as much of an idiot as I am. But do you know what?
– No matter how much of an idiots we are, world outside is even more stupid. Do you see the people outside? As always on friday nights they shall go and once again party and do things they shall perhaps regret or forget. On the other days they’ll blame something or someone for all the wrongs they’ve got in their lives, they will cram up their heads with all the stupid media things that make so little sense. They will go on like this, cursing their chosen paths, regretting past and be oblivious to what shall be in future. Some live with one day like mayflies, some try to keep up with the plans they built and they keep on building them. But right now, this instant moment, we’re here. We are deemed as observers who keep their eyes on things. Maybe our hearts felt the pain and sorrow, but somehow deep inside we still hope for the better and the brighter, and though we are having these feelings inside of us, to go on in this world and to survive within people who surround us, the so called community, we are just so much more arrogant and cold, because that is exactly how most others treat us. Yet for those who treat us kindheartedly, we are giving them same appreciation back. We’re dreamer kind of idiots, yet we’re geniuses by knowing what we know.
As she falls silent, I think at it – she IS right. I don’t blame them, others for being how they turned out, as I turned out the way I am, most can’t accept me, and some are obliviously blaming me, but I do forgive them that, they are human, we all are. Annie pulls cigarette and lights it up, she starts to smoke her favorite Marlboro red again. This strange woman, who somehow is close to me. I’m at peace and so calm, at the same time feeling kind of protected by her. I think she feels the same when I am around.
– Annie, seems like every night is getting so much shorter, yet days fly by as breeze. I’ve got the feeling that life is just one breath long, and then it ends. But at times, it feels like it lasts forever. One thing I still can’t see right, have I become a damned beast whose heart became a stone, or it is just my defense reaction of subconsciousness when beaten by the life?
– It is all imagination, – she puffs smoke out, – imagination which is built from things you see and intake, yet without realizing it it’s used to create the fear and tension, false alternation and interpreting is causing such disruption and makes things appear as gargoyles that are as if created with our faces on them. But to see the way you really are – you shouldn’t see yourself like that. You are what you are when you’re fully naked in front the eyes of destiny – then appears real you. All the rest is just you’re defense reactions.
-As to imagining yourself as huge and ugly, scarred and fearsome demonic beast that whines and cries towards the moon, losing all the things that made this beast a man, yet crying out with some hope still bared inside. It makes quite a lot of us to appear like this, like monsters, but we’re born with innocence… Where on earth does all that innocence go? Does it get absorbed by all the wrongs we make and all the stupid things we do, or it is still there, but hidden? We are not as innocent as before, but our hearts somehow still tend to have this small fire burning inside of us with the things we call hope, happiness and innocence. Perhaps it does not vanish fully. Would you agree?
– We’re getting sentimental here. It’s true that each of us deep inside might still carry the bright positivism. But life is life and we get rough as we go, yet we still hope to be able to become the best of what we can become.
I fall silent, so does Annie. Life is long and short at the same time. My deep desires and hopes still live inside of me.
Next moment I hear my phone ringing. I take that SONY out of my pocket and look at the screen – number unknown. Well, some people are still awake at this late hour. I answer the phone.
– Hi! Erik? This is Adrian! Do you remember me?
As I hear his voice, after all these years, unwillingly I let tears silently run down my face. After all these years…
Life and faith, fortune and circumstances lead to unbelievable things that trigger your good side to show up. It might take changes and differences, but as many wise man said “hope dies last”.