Not able to fall asleep is a great kind of inner killing system. It comes out when you are troubled or just floating somewhere in between the reality and dream.
My only safe place, no matter where and how… I feel most drawn to kitchen. It seems quite strange by many means, as me, grown up man, sits down on kitchen floor, whilst holding cup of coffee and staring into space, as if there is the answer on something that is bothering me. But all I really see is just the hollow nothingness of that point blank I stare into. Just sometimes I have dreams about dying Light. Perhaps I’ll manage to find the answer soon…
But still, somehow that little bit of strange crammed place called kitchen is just where I feel safe. In a way, like in a story by Banana Yoshimoto “Kitchen”, yes, somehow to some of us it is the best place to “hide”. This moon lit darkness, in blue hues really makes me happy.
Like when I was in my room, on his bed… His bed? I brushed my fingers over my hair. Who is Light? What have I forgotten?
“Are you alright Cat? You seem adrift someplace else.” – said Orchid, just as she walked into the kitchen. Her footsteps barely made sound.
I plainly looked in her direction, not knowing what really to reply. She stood for a moment examining me. Her hair looking like stardust in moonlight. Her night dress was really short. But I never really minded it one bit.
What can I explain regarding this moment? Why I am here in the middle of the night, without light, looking out the window trying to get a glimpse of stars, which hide behind a thick wall of clouds? Why… There is something that tries to get back in my memory and I still don’t know what it is. Or why?
“Something on your mind? – Spoke Orchid. – I might not be someone who will understand, but I can try. – I kept on plainly looking at her. She took a deep breath. Then went to sit at the chair in kitchen. Swift and silent movements.- Cat, can you tell me about yourself? Even a bit of how you became the way you are. I want to know.”
Her questions were the oddest kind. Right now I was worried why, but already weakened to succumb to her selfish request.Staring into her eyes – that gave a feeling of mum nagging you, but sincerely wishing to know. Having her here – I don’t even recollect why did I allow her to stay here. Talking about me, huh?
Lately my tangled confusion went worse, leaving me this exhausted. I felt how my fingers tremble. I closed my eyes for a moment.
“I am not very good at explaining my feelings. I seem not to find the right words. Others become offended or misunderstand when I try to explain. I am quite bad at it. It’s just that I have not been explained how to express my feelings right. It’s a mixture of what comes to mind on how to let them know what goes inside. Saying something rude whilst happy, or cheesy strange when I am sad; when mad I can’t say things right at all. Because I end up bluntly spitting out things that I don’t think through – that I were not in charge of making in my head.” – I felt my on breathing. I was feeling the faint trembling, then I felt some warmth inside me. I felt that my “Light” hugged me, wrapped tight. I still don’t know who it is – but the warmth seems so real. Orchid kept on watching me.
“I am a little miserable that way. When I really have something in my heart that eats me up, I just make up good side to it, and pretend that all is for the best. Although the pain does not go away, it keeps on pulsating inside and reminds of itself every time I wake up in the morning. That’s making me sort of pitiful.” – My head leaned back, eyes looked up. Still same ceiling. Same lamp. I heard how Orchid shifted in chair. My trembling was already faint. Warmth left me. Once again I felt loneliness.
“But then again, not all in this world is best or perfect. I am still working it out to find the most suited words to describe what possesses my mind. At times it is quite a delusion, and it is in all a collision of two differences that make a mess inside. I just can’t get it right. I keep fiddling with words, mulling them over. In the end what I spit out are things that have nothing in common – the unlinked sentences. That is where most reply “What?“, not capable to understand they complain about it. But how can I explain that at times – what lies in my head is not easy to put in words. Sometimes it’s better on paper instead. Mostly then it makes more sense.”
I breathed out. Now seeking a peep hole in clouds – trying to find the passage for eyesight to catch onto some marvellous stars. Ones that hand cannot reach.
Orchid turned to see what I look at, then squinted her eyes taking a deep breath. Unable to understand, she shook her head – her gaze back on me.
“Cat, you know, you tend to speak in riddles. Like you’re an old git fed up with all around. Then you turn around and I see you like a newborn kitten again. I was wondering how come that knowing your age you seem like a child – so full of hope and wonder inside and out, seeking for best in people, although pain is the most common return to the faith you give them.”
Words she spoke an idea regarding her concern towards me. Perhaps it’s all because I’m so much used to my such self. Yet my great question is “why” she keeps on trying to get to know me?
“My dear, many speak of the Wiseman they meet on the path of their life. They say they learned a lot during that moment in time. Yet they do not use the knowledge they got. They just mind it inside themselves and forget what they’re told. Ah!” – I gasped, as I saw the finishing outline of cloud. Stars started glowing and showing their faces to me. I looked at them happily. It took time for them tonight to be unveiled.
They were similar to ones I looked t with my dear Light. Who are you? Why don’t I remember? All these feelings…
But right now these bright stars were here.
“You see those stars? Amazing beauty are they not?” – I said. Right now my most dear wish would be to remember this precious “Light”.
Orchid just looked up, giving expression of “This? Is this it?” – she really is shallow when it comes to etiquette or the small talk manners. I closed my eyes and once more this odd warmth engulfed me.
“When I was young, I could remember days when I saw stars, similar to these – but different. As if from someplace else. Back then my view would be filled with strange forests and swamps; small houses made of wood and bricks, with no lights, all covered by a moonlight, with sound of train passing somewhere nearby. I was gazing at stars, when I heard a voice – girly voice from inside. She said “I wish there would be someone like me, willing to see what I see and share what he saw with me. I wish this one person would be with me.”
And I was awed. I was dumbstruck. Could not really know what was on – but spoke in return: “I am here. You’re not alone.” The voice gasped with surprise. I think she thought – there would be no one to reply to her, that moonlit night. “My name’s Niko” she said. “You can call me Erick” – I replied.
I spoke to her and she spoke to me. We became one – her and me. Somehow I could see what she saw, and she saw what I’ve seen. That was magical. Her voice was nice to hear. I was struck with belief that we were female and male sides of one soul. Sounds like a mystery and something unrealistically crazy – but that is what we ended up thinking about us.” – Yes, distant memories slowly came back. Slowly.
“One time I heard her – she was sobbing. Through pain she spoke. I asked her to tell me more of what bothered her… Abused, physical pain, poisonous words and lack of ones who would take her the way she was – those were the poison bullets and lashes which took her bit by bit away to see Belphegor and Mammon. Eventually to be frightened by these creatures of witchcraft. Each time I tried to struck a conversation with her – she cut it short. I could hear her hollow out more and more each time. No matter how much I showed her the life in here – the nature that I enjoyed, the people… No matter how I tried to cheer her to get out of misery and see more – it didn’t work. She distanced herself further. One day I could no longer see what she saw. Neither she heard me anymore.
Then, I noticed things here, that were so similar to what I have seen through her eyes. I felt pain. I could feel all of what she felt as I took a closer look at what was going on. What I saw deeper inside system gave me shrivels, made me mortified with fear, hatred, disgust. Made me hollow and miserable – just like her.
I was walking through this world seeing grime everywhere Unsure how these things could be in existence here. Then I stopped one day. I was poor. Had no living soul who would take my hand, say something to make me believe in world I live in again. It was horrid time – back then.
Just as I was about to kick the bucket and say my last goodbye to the world: as I stood on the hill looking across the city I was born, smelling night air and scent of narcissus – eyes closed, silence around… I hear a familiar voice in background, then bit by bit it became clearer.
“Erick, – she spoke softly, – I am here too, next to you, looking at night sky, surrounded by scent of narcissus and chill of the night. I know what you feel. I feel the same, but look at all closer, yet from far far away. Beneath us – people, rushing somewhere, beeping car horns, turning police sirens, swearing and yelling, saying love words and caring for someone. There are so many of us, still not aware of the Hell which awaits them, if they meddle from path they are on. The buzz never stops. Even if we both go, they will keep on being. Some might be wrong, some are right, some are strong, some are weak, even inside of their mind can be fragile. You know, it’s been years since I saw your stars”
I kept my gaze fixated on the stars in the clear skies. And somehow, I was warmed up again to hear that someone is beside me, holding my hand. Knowing the path we went through together.
“Niko, where were you? I tried many times to see through your eyes, but never again have I managed to get to you. What happened?” – I wanted to know. I was eager to know. She was a part of me, to begin with.
“Eh… – she breathed out. – There was a lot going on. More sorrow, more pain and more loveless of heart. Aching to become someone’s beloved, but… Somehow it just did not happen. But then I fell in love – with nature, with stars and with dreams, hopes for someone to love one day. You know, Erick, I tied to become someone’s “the one” – but ended up stranded in things that I was not really ready for. Ended up hurting someone more. But I learned that once you are alone – just like then – when looking at stars and the forest of swamps with trains that go by nearby. You just see the peace still dwelling within. In little doses – in something small – you nibble on this bit of happiness, from recalling the feeling of before and adding it to the bit which became more.
You know, I am here with you now, we’ll become one – we are one. I love you Erick. Let’s keep on going with this path. No matter how long and how much more we will struggle, feel pain or disappointment – I am sure that we, heart in heart, can overcome things that will sway their way to us.
We can apologise for the trouble we caused along the way. Minding our paths as we shall go. We’ll keep going. Promise me that we shall keep on going.” – She said then.
All I could muster to reply to her was that I promise to walk on, bonded hearts, standing strong. I was crying – so was she. We were happy inside. From then on, we were together and walked on and on. I still see what she sees and hear what she says, she laughs at my jokes and my sarcasm. Trough laughter we keep on going.” – I felt myself smiling. My eyes still closed.
“So Orchid, I was where hell was all cold and frostbiting, chilling the heart to the core. With last of the light I had in me – she saved me, just like I have saved her before.” – Very slowly I felt things starting to untangle. I remembered her. But I felt there was more. I got up, turned small light on, pushed the button for water to boil. Reached out inside cupboard – grabbed some sweets. Now I craved some tea and sugar.
Orchid was carefully mulling over the story. Soaking in all what was said. I just smiled at her persistence and effort. I could see that she was nor fully understanding if what I said made any sense.
“So, to become this happy and childish, full of hope and wonder you overcame the inners of hell and came back.” – Orchid started, locking her eyes on me, getting up from chair. -“With a bit of a help of unknown voice, that saw the other world. Indeed, sounds like magic.” Orchid sounded quite sarcastic, as if even making fun of me. She was really trying to find something. Now it began to bother me. The uncomfortable disturbance which I felt, I now realised – Orchi was the cause of it.
Orchid was amused by my story. She most likely never imagined the jitters of cold biting into your bones. You trying to not give up hope for the sun to come, as night passes. When you are alone in the midst of disaster – holding nothing but small bit of light in your palms. Re-imagining sound of the train passing by, view of the forest covered in moonlight. Hoping someday you will find your happy warm life with someone. Whom you hold on to with love, care and your might.
Orchid was researching me. Now I knew something was off. Really off.