Dear A (chapter update)

The original and the full thing is here – Dear A

Dear A,

Writing this to you at 00:04 August 5… Whilst listening “Flipsyde – Someday” and consuming white wine.

Wanted to share a long arse lost memory I have had. Actually few mustiple pile-ups of the same idea. Generally.

I have been spending some time in Vilani, as one of my grandmothers live there. And there I hung out with my cousins – Alex and Slavik. (I actually had a crush on Alex when I was a kid, and was like a little bro to Slavik as much as I could, but he always was freaking me out a bit.)

So this is about the days when I was staying over and when night was falling – I had a little of the time to hang out with my cousins before the’d submerge self into gaming and listening to rock music again.

That made me feel like something special each and every time . I did get to use computer and check some shady sh*t there – so that was rather interesting, but the most of what was really warming my heart at the time is that they’d share some secrets with me, or just talk to me in ways that were rather different from the rest of the family.

But yeah, we had fights too. And I still love those weirdos, no matter how much I wanna kick their ass. Well, relatives are still relatives no matter what.

I remembered how Slavik was enlightening me with new music of Flipsyde, Fort Minor, Linkin Park and others – he was the one to show me the way with the music. Sort of. So I do have quite the influence in music due to them. But what can I say – that music is darn good. Like, I still listen to songs, that throw me back in time.

Like that time when I was in that unfoldable chair which is where you can sleep as well – as it transitions into a single bed. Next to me, on a same thing was my cousin. And I truly can’t remember was it Slavik or Alex – but I was really nervous. Like – due to my affection towards them it was really fluttering to be besides them there at that time.

So yeah – there we go. I was there, beside them, or being pulled along on the walks with one of them, or pushed to side, or almost choked, or well, we did have fights then as well – but I still managed to carry that affection and love. (Until UK happened. Now I try to keep the affection – but, this is no longer the same affection. I do understand them, as much more I do not get them. It now is more complicated than ever before. Family.)

The nights there were goddamn quiat. The people in shortage in there, not to mention lack of the cars and really rare flashes of lights as the car passes. That was creepy at times. Yep. Especially after watching the darn horror movies they darn like so much. It was touch, but I wanted, well, I did want to be accepted by them, or in a way shown the way to things by them and I was really trying.

It was kind of interesting that I went there each time in hopes to see them and spend time with them, although after they went for UK – when they were coming back – they spent time with friends and all – not even coming back “home” for the night. And there I was thinking how grown-up they are and all. Whilst sitting ‘till more than late on their computer in their room.

Not to mention them really odd moments when I’d just spend like 10-20 minutes literally spacing out whilst looking at their asleep faces. Thinking how they’ll do things, how they’ll get to go in life and all. Still wishing them the best.

And that was well – my childhood crush – to wish for them to like me. Even though we had a huge issue in between family and I was not really waited for in that house.

If either of you, Oleg or Slavik, will ever read any of my writing – Just wanted to say that you two are a formidable men, as much as formidable fools. But aren’t we all fools in life, though?

So, here I am now listening to “Joe Walsh – Turn To Stone”.

A, I actually did not ehm, share the info of the proposal in the last letter. And it’s not really that I’m mulling over the many ideas here – I just have no idea in general. Sort of like – I will leave it to you to decide.

And when the time comes – I’ll go along with the decision.

Also – I am really thinking about that fact that I have an odd friendship with males in general. So many fine gents get to be there and ask me to be beside, but I am that married woman who somehow keeps reappearing in their life. Well – there are certain few people that keep supporting me and I – them, and that’s why we still end up a bit discombobulated when it reaches topic of the relationship.

As we all have them moments of being so close, before drawing apart, then magneting back close again.

I appreciate all and love all. I can’t explain to each in which flippin’ way I love them – I just do. Because they are them. They are so unique, they are really temperamental, with own tantrums, own approach, ideas, views, perceptions, ways of expressing things/emotions, way with words, the greatest one – their own way of loving back.

And although I had more than one request of cloning self – I am not sure I’d be absolutely satisfying to each one of them. Ha-ha!

“Sting – Shape of my Heart”

The little things you face in life – topic.

Have you just sat there reminiscing about the time in life that’ll never come back, in hopes that, well, maybe in different light than, it happened in different ways.

Music, knowing how it rocks the boat – throws the life back in time, making you remember things – well, i do remember a lot of sunny and lonely days back in Rezekne. Yes, the feeling that family was still together, or the feeling that the family is actually there, or maybe that well… even if you have family – you’re stranded there all alone to fight your fights with no support.

And I did my best to fight my fights, yet being somehow seemingly a strong child – I was really over the top emotional.

Emotional… Eh… How I hated that. Really. This over the top being emotional thing.

Excessively worrying about people, excessively trying to be accepted, or trying to fit in too much, or just eventually letting go and being an EMO thing in GOTH clothes or, at least with a feel of toughness.

Yeh, you kept looking at me in school like a tomboy tough human being, but oh the things I battled there. The things that better are left in that dusty pandora box, as they truly would make someone lose mind. (and my mind was in quite a mess, truly)


You are a child in a dysfunctional family. Your mother alcoholic, dad left when you were in year 4 in school, you were beaten up quite a lot, faced nagging on daily basis and were smacked across the face because “you look just like your father!” and resemblance is a “bad” thing apparently.

The only thing keeping sanity is a cat at home and your long walks alone besides river, i forests and so forth. Because you still gotta bring yourself back before curfew.

And what – no matter what you are still kicked for lateness, for anything dumb they make up to just blame me…

Sad picture, really sad. But it had it’s beauty and moments of happiness.

“Grigory Leps – Krysa Revnost”

Thoughts just float out, whilst I miss the DMCs (Deep Meaningful Conversations) with my dear friends. Truly. Yas. I miss my Canadian, Malay and Brit. Out quartet was one which could battle anything. And talk about a lot of this including load of crap and endless pervercies.

Liquer and Jelly Beans – that sure is a bold thing to go for! Oh my!

“Я твой или ничей”

May you have a good day,

Your A


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