“ ‘My hair’s getting more and more white…’ ‘Well then, I’ll call you my white dove…’ “
“ ‘You’re so wild, so sexy…’ ‘Ahaha, thanks…’ “
“ ‘Your eyes are so amazing. Such rare colour…’ “
“ ‘You are there when I really need it. I’m so really happy you’re here.’ “
“ ‘I’ll never leave you’ “
“ ‘You’ll forever stay in my heart’ “
“ ‘You are inspiration, so unusual. I’ve not done my work in such way in a long time.’ “
“ ‘Hey! Just show it to me… If you’ll agree I’ll treat you well.’ “
“ ‘So beautiful…’ “
Right, they just keep mumbling something along those lines. And then become really disgusting. Addicted and weak… Making me feel sick.
Really thinking I’m not having feelings? Just on with my fake smile and happy face.Without knowing. So fucking frustrating.
Ones who were strangers. Or even ones that were friends. But the worst are the lovers.
Can you not?
Keeping on lying to my face. And nothing. Just playing it again. So you played me… Making me be the perfect for you and then what? Ditch me because it’s that much over.
“ ‘I loved you’ “
Yeah, you made it sound so easy. Like, it’s nothing.
Then it all went to hell. My broken brain went to shit. All went to shit. I was self-destructing. Falling ever more down into this pit of sex, booze and smokes. Changing people, places… But that hole you tore in my soul – that shit was the most disgusting one.
Nothing could fill it. Nothing.
Just there, on the grass, looking aside at the trees, people and life that keeps going.
While I’m glued to this hell. So dirty. So fallen. Disgusting. Tainted.
Crawling like maggot, trying to find salvation.
Trying to find someone to save me.
Trying to find love.
Yeah, that is what made you keep your mouth shut. Ignoring my outbursts through other people. Through other ways of getting to you.
A year and a half.
It took more than that to get at more ease with idea that you’re not there.
In that time I screwed up other peoples lives. Just played with their emotions and hearts. I was broken, selfish and lost. And then I was greedy, I was consumed by fear.
I lied. I ran.
But then it just made an appearance.
When that came to me – I felt it again.
It was making me feel peace. Just by staying next to this person.
I slept like a dead man. The first time I stayed next to him.
Sure that there would not be madness or sex, that I had nothing to think about, that for a moment I could relax.
And then I was hooked again – to this peaceful feeling.
“ ‘I’ve got nothing.’ ‘I don’t care’ ‘I can’t even provide’ ‘Doesn’t matter. We’ll build it together.’ “
And he agreed.
He agreed to let me stay beside him. Bit by bit, as we stuck together, going through the pain and suffer, we kept on holding tight.
And guess what?
More than 5 years passed since then.
You know, I’m at peace.