Dear N-the-nerve-eating monster,
Decided to write to you this time in a least expected way. Guess it is sad it came to it.
I was really trying to be considerate and nice. Yet with situation snowballing out of proportions – that made me abuse the “calming pills”, I decided to pour it out.
So, welcome to the letter that is dedicated to you, My Nerve Eating Monster.
It is so nice that you claim to know me the best, yet you keep reverting to Past me, not the Present me. You still keep messing it up.
And I did my best not to correct you too much, as it does give a blow to your psyche.
You claimed you know me the best, Guessed that was a jest, but to my fear and unrest – that was sad part I detest. – you truly believed in your made-up fail save test.
Ahh, the shit that i had to bare, seeming like mentally abusing nightmare, yet you did not feel a care in the world, as I mentally got covered in mould.
You kept yelling at the top of your lungs that you are the men, the Real Man who can accomplish goals and tasks, provide the best life and make me at ease… But my mental worry did not cease.
You boasted of how i have to change, that the body I have is not best of range and I truly should start having boobs inserted, to begin lifes new page.
You kept going, as it gave you the joy to partake in this grand scheme of “biulding-a-girl” for own care in range.
You still failed to grasp the continuous sadness it brought me.
You told me of many sad stories of your failed love life scenarios, and i felt like I have to pull you out of your sadness, as good friends tend to do. But I did not wish for you to take joke too far in that hue.
To say undermining words, to shit on my life, rub salt where it hurts.
You kept going and going with manifesto of “I would NEVER LET YOU WORRY IN THE WORLD”, and you failed to keep that word.
Then what happened? I became the one to blame. When I shattered that fake pane, which held by now so much disgust towards things i love and trust, that it made you sad and enraged.
“you should have changed” I felt from what words you told me,
“you should have picked me” the tone of voice said
And still you kept being oblivious to my vounded self.
And sure, the short time you have given for me to decide – I would always say “no” to you. Not just now, but before as well, when I was back in the Photography dept, when I was already once rejected by you. Now i don’t care what you do.
You failed more than once at keeping my own nerves calm, you failed more than once to give my mind freedom to silently roam,you blame me for your own mistakes, for that is all what it takes, for you to acknowledge the truth – we’re far past that youth. We are changed people, we live and we are where we are due to path we took when it was a sad nook of a cranny that seemed funny.
So to you, once again I must say – you ate last of my nerves. That exceeds the level of words one deserves..
And believe me monster, I have not lied to you. For me – I still love you like I do, but not how you want me to. Yet with all that you brought me in this short month – it’s all that you’ll ever get done. You proved how less of a man you are, by dumping your shit from afar on top of my wounds that keep bleeding.
I hope you had enough for your deamons feeding, for I am empty and done.
I am not changing what I have done.
You dropped scraps of hope and I used them, but the damn price was too big.
Hope you find your new “hit”, who’ll provide you with enough of new joy.
As I’m no longer that fucking decoy for your Monstrosity to take hold of my dreams.
I’m the one in charge, so it seems.
I’ll keep hoping you achieve your dreams.