“Look at me” [short story]

“Oh no! No! Look at me… Just look at me! Don’t look at anything else, look at ME!” – Desperately, in my head, I begged him over and over.
My saddened look, my flimsy feeling of torn heart, squeezed and pulled.
So hard to breathe. So darn heavy.
“JUST LOOK AT ME!!!” – I’m crying, as I shout from the top of my lungs – in my head.
My lips are bitten by own teeth, as I’m unable to utter a single sound.
Tears cloud my vision, slowly then dripping down my cheek.
I open my mouth so say something, but to no avail. I gasp air, I grab at my shirt, at my heart, cover face with other hand and sink to the floor. Broken.
Just seeing the sunrise and standing there. Eyes cannot look away, as I watch them both on the concrete floor, in our hideout, sleeping in each others embrace. Hugging, legs entwined, such peaceful sleep they’re sharing.
The way first sun rays covered their bodies was poetic. So much so that I could not bring self to wake them. And how in sleep they snuggled closer – it made my heart ache.
I lest that place. Stumbling on the empty road, in the middle of it.
And now I’m here. Still in the middle of this goddamn road. Suffering, crying.
Cursing self for always praying for his well-being, happiness, success.
And I can’t breathe. So tough to breathe, when this love is killing you.
On the sidelines, always on the sidelines.
Being first to encourage, support, hold hand once he falls, help stand up again.
On the sidelines.
Holding him tight in embrace when he shouted in fit of anger, calming down beast that tries to break skulls.
Soothing pain that becomes such a trouble, yet amazed how he never knew.
“LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT, LOOK AT ME!!!” – My heart wails in despair and in anger.
Soon I’m tired and hollowed on road.
Standing up.
Puffy eyes, sullen look. Like last hit boxers hook that took down what I had for the game.
“I’ll still crave for that moment, when your eyes come find me in a crowd. When you’ll smile at me knowing I’m hollowed, as you’ll keep your life on, pushing through.”

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Art by @tsurukawakamo twitter / @280r0m10 instagram

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